Friday, May 3, 2013
Pregnancy for me. So far.
I'm almost six months along.
So far for me...
Pregnancy is realizing half the nighttime TV you watch is terrible now that you're not drinking anymore. Smash.
Pregnancy is spending the first 3 mos praying for proof in the form of a bump. And on 3 mos and 1 day, wondering why the hell I was so eager to get fat.
Pregnancy is that glorious time when, high on hormones and parenting books and lack of hands-on experience, you are the best parent who has ever walked the freaking earth who should be publishing your own line of books on rearing children because you're that adept at it.
Pregnancy is finding you suddenly hate the people you love most after happy hour's kicked in and all you've had is cranberry juice.
Pregnancy is seeing your nipples in the mirror and swearing someone has swapped them out for the cover of National Geographic. Where did my 15 year old girl nipples go? Damn it.
Pregnancy is wondering how the hell babies were ever born in the 70's when deli meat was not only a household staple but probably even served at baby showers. With vodka martinis.
Pregnancy is being such a raging hormonal b*tch that you not only scare your mother in law out of your home while visiting but across the state line. Sincerest apologies Charlotte. I'm better now.
Pregnancy is being able to turn down whatever you don't feel like doing 'for your health' and in the same breath demanding a double bacon cheeseburger, chili cheese fries and hot fudge sundae without irony.
Pregnancy is seeing someone drinking a glass of wine and wanting to punch them in the face (and take the wine and run.)
Pregnancy is buying every book on pregnancy ever printed but only reading the first couple chapters before getting bored and switching back to your trashy mystery novel.
Pregnancy is waking up in the morning and realizing your fetus child is literally standing up inside your body, poking his head through the top of your belly button and thinking to yourself 'holy crap - didn't know they could do that.'