Braised Short Ribs with Red Wine, Rosemary and Pancetta. Fall off the bone and smack your mama.

I know we're all tired of winter. I know we're ready for lighter meals outside with the summer breeze at our backs, pool parties and frozen drinks with tiny umbrellas in them.

But these are too good to wait to post until next year so I'm going to be unfashionably out of season and post them now.

Here's what gets me about short ribs prepared this way. The meat develops a crust on top as if you're biting into a delicious crispy meat chip. But the interior is tender and yielding dripping with all this red-wine-laced-butteriness. In fact I was shocked to learn this recipe actually has no butter in it (it was one of the reasons I could eat it with my baby's dairy allergy.) But that's the magic of short ribs, especially ones seared in pancetta fat. Mmm hmmm.

Anyway forget that this is literally one of the best things you'll ever put in your mouth. Forget the fact that it's company and special occasion worthy. What makes this recipe even more insane is that you can (and should) make it a couple of days ahead of time. The flavor and texture of the meat just gets better and better as it sits in the fridge getting drunk on wine and pancetta juice.

I also love that you serve them from the same big ole pot you make them in. It's rustic and chic at the same time.

So if you want to wish Old Man Winter farewell on one of these last chilly nights whip this up and invite friends around to feast and drink a bunch of red wine over plates of these short ribs (or even better make them for the Game of Thrones premiere in ten days. Woo hoo!)

Because before we know it we'll all be complaining about the heat and mosquitos.

*These can be made gluten free/Paleo by using coconut flour or alternative flour of choice to dredge the meat in before searing.
*The only thing I do differently than PW for this recipe is to sear the ribs for way longer than 45 minutes per side to really get the edges brown and crisp before turning. If you don't get them crisp and brown now, you never will and then you won't have that amazing contrast of textures later so sear them however long it takes you. I have a hunch she uses a cast iron pan or something that gets crazy hotter than my Le Creuset because mine always need way longer than 45 seconds per side - more like 5 minutes.

Braised Short Ribs with Rosemary, Red Wine and Pancetta
Recipe by The Pioneer Woman
Direct Link to Recipe/PW Site:

Ingredients

• 8 whole Beef Short Ribs
•  Kosher Salt and Pepper To Taste
• 1/4 cup All-purpose Flour or enough to coat (use coconut flour or other for gluten free)
• 6 pieces Pancetta, Diced
• 2 Tablespoons Olive Oil
• 1 whole Medium Onion, Diced
• 3 whole Carrots, Diced
• 2 whole Shallots, Peeled And Finely Minced
• 2 cups Red Wine
• 2 cups Beef Or Chicken Broth (enough To Almost Cover Ribs)
• 2 sprigs Thyme
• 2 sprigs Rosemary

Preparation Instructions

Salt and pepper ribs, then dredge in flour. Set aside.

In a large dutch oven, cook pancetta over medium heat until complete crispy and all fat is rendered. Remove pancetta and set aside. Do not discard grease.

Add olive oil to pan with the pancetta grease, and raise heat to high. Brown ribs on all sides, about 45 seconds per side (FYI this always takes way longer for them to brown, more like 5 min per side.) Remove ribs and set aside. Turn heat to medium.

Add onions, carrots, and shallots to pan and cook for 5-7 minutes until onions are soft. Pour in wine and scrape bottom of pan to release all the flavorful bits of glory. Bring to a boil and cook 2 minutes.

Add broth, 1 teaspoon kosher salt, and plenty of freshly ground black pepper. Taste and add more salt if needed. Add ribs to the liquid; they should be almost completely submerged. Add thyme and rosemary sprigs (whole) to the liquid.

Put on the lid and place into the oven. Cook at 350 for 2 hours, then reduce heat to 325 and cook for an additional 30 to 45 minutes. Ribs should be fork-tender and falling off the bone. Remove pan from oven and allow to sit for at least 20 minutes, lid on, before serving. At the last minute, skim fat off the top of the liquid. (Can also refrigerate for up to 1-2 days, then remove solid fat from the top. Then just reheat in a 325 oven for 25-30 minutes until heated through.)

Serve 2 ribs on bed of creamy polenta or mashed potatoes or celery root puree, spooning a little juice over the top.

Nigella's Terracotta Bean Dip

Hello! Anyone out there? It's been a while.

I actually started writing this post last night. I was almost giddy with excitement. My baby was down for the night and there I was spending some alone time with my blog for the first time in months feeling the old creative juices flowing again. I began typing rapid fire. I felt free! Like galloping bareback on my pony when I was a kid. And then…Sawyer woke up. Screaming actually. Blogging ended before it began.

But it was okay. Partly because he looks like this.

But also because there's something selfishly awesome about when your baby wakes up crying from a nightmare or whatever reason and you can be there to make it all better. I walked him around for almost an hour even though he stopped crying the second I picked him up.

This is a far different place from where we were a couple of months ago. You see part of my long absence wasn't just having a baby but having a baby with severe food allergies. Who literally never stopped crying once he started. Poor guy. But that's another post - maybe even another blog.

Anyway we went to a friend's on Saturday and she was such an amazing host and cook that I was actually inspired to post the dip I'd taken over that night.

I'm finally coming out of the baby fog y'all. And I'm going to feed every damn one of you.

Nigella's Terracotta Bean Dip
Mildly adapted from FEAST
* A twist on your typical bean dip, this one uses red kidney beans and a mix of warm spices. I absolutely loved the lime in it it so I put the zest in the dip as well as on top. This is an unusual, but not weird change of pace and easy to make.

Ingredients:
2-3 tablespoons olive oil
1 medium onion, diced (or 3 shallots)
1 garlic clove, minced
1 tablespoon tomato paste
1/2 teaspoon cumin (I'd even try upping it next time)
1/2 teaspoon ground coriander
1/8 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon paprika
pinch cayenne, optional
1 (15 oz) can red kidney beans (including the juice)
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt, divided, or to taste
zest and juice of a medium lime
Chopped cilantro for garnish
Tortilla chips or pita chips for serving

Directions:
Heat the oil in a medium/large cast iron pan or heavy bottom pan for one minute over medium heat. Add the onion, season with 1/4 teaspoon salt and sauté until soft and golden. Stir in the garlic and sauté a couple more minutes. Add in the tomato paste and spices and stir around cooking a few more minutes to let the flavors deepen.

Add in the beans and liquid from the can and cook a couple more minutes. Turn off the heat and remove the pan from the burner to let cool for a bit. Then transfer to a food processor and add in the lime zest (you can reserve a little zest for garnish if desired) and juice and additional 1/4 teaspoon salt. Blend until as much a puree as the skins on the beans will allow.

Taste for salt and add any more or pepper if you wish and blend again.

Transfer to a serving bowl and garnish with additional zest and cilantro. Serve right away or refrigerate for up to eight hours before serving with tortilla or pita chips to serve.

Chocolate Hug Cookies

When you live in Texas and it gets cold enough to turn your heater on and that heater smell of toasting lint (is that what it is?) wafts through your house it feels like Christmas. Or at least it does to me.

So here we go with my first Christmas cookie post of the season. Hooray commercialism! And malls! And sugar!

My hands down favorite cookie at the holidays (AT the holidays? Southern much?) are peanut blossoms. AKA chocolate kiss cookies or Hershey Kiss peanut butter cookies. My mom made them for us growing up and for me they are edible childhood. I honestly can't be trusted with them. An entire batch will disappear into thin air David Blaine-style.

The only problem is my husband isn't a fan. I try not to let this change my deep endearing love for him but it's tough. Who doesn't like peanut blossoms? WHO???

Anyway I recently had an idea to try and appease his tastes while keeping with my own traditions, now that we have a kid and all. He is a bonafide chocoholic so when I saw a few recipes for Nutella Kisses I thought - SCORE!

Well it was a score alright but of course there was a minor drawback. They didn't taste so much of Nutella as they did chocolate. Personally I thought this was a bonus given the fact a lot of people don't like Nutella. So I changed the name to something that reflected their intensely chocolate, chewily rewarding, chocolate-studded chocolate-kiss topped vibe.

Will they replace my personal favorite in the holiday lineup? We'll see. Actually the tie breaker will be when my son is old enough to taste between the two of them and choose. Though if his tastes are as similar to his father's as his looks are, I'm screwed.

Thankfully I like the alternative almost as much...

* As the picture indicates I made these for Halloween and rolled them in orange sugar before baking. If making for the holidays simply choose another color if desired.

Chocolate Hug Cookies
Adapted from All Recipes

Ingredients:
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon kosher salt
1/4 teaspoon instant espresso powder
1 cup salted butter, at room temp
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
3/4 cup white sugar
2 large eggs, room temp
2 tablespoons vanilla extract
1/2 cup Nutella (chocolate hazelnut spread)
2 cups chocolate chips
2 packages dark chocolate Hershey kisses
colored sanding sugar, optional

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease a baking sheet or line it with parchment paper.
2. Combine flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, salt and espresso powder in a bowl. Mix with a whisk to break up any lumps.
3. Beat butter, brown sugar, and white sugar with an electric mixer in a large bowl until smooth. Beat in eggs one at a time until completely incorporated. Mix in vanilla and chocolate-hazelnut spread.
4. Slowly add in flour mixture and stir just until combined. Fold in chocolate chips. Use a small cookie scoop to keep the cookies a uniform size and roll each scoop of dough between your hands to form a ball. Roll the ball in sugar, if desired.
5. Bake in preheated oven until edges look dry and cookies are fragrant, about 8-9 minutes. Press a chocolate kiss in the center and let cool slightly on the sheet before transferring to a wire rack to cool completely.

German Chocolate Peanut Butter Cookie Bars (Queen of the Potluck Bars)

These were inspired by the blog Crazy for Crust and I'm not going to lie - they are too much. Thick, chewy peanut butter cookie bar. Layer of sticky gooey caramel slash chocolate. Topped with sweetened coconut. But wait. Stop the presses. The season of 'too much' is upon us! Make these right now and embrace your calling as Queen of the Potluck or Book Club or OM group (look up OM-ing - I dare you.)

I should also warn you that they freeze well and are even better pulled from the freezer and heated for 30 seconds in the microwave. It's criminal. I'm not kidding. I'm going to go fast now.

Lastly I only mentioned OM-ing because we recently had a group of them living across the street from us and were convinced they were a scary underground group plotting to do something crazy. And it turns out they were. Oh they certainly were. Gotta love living in South Austin.

German Chocolate Peanut Butter Cookie Bars

Cookie Layer, adapted from Crazy for Crust

Ingredients:
1/2 cup salted butter, at room temp
3/4 cup peanut butter (I used chunky)
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1/4 cup white sugar
1 egg, room temp
1 tablespoon vanilla
1 tablespoon whole or 2% milk
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
2 cups AP (all purpose) flour

Toppings:
1 (14 oz) can sweetened condensed milk
1 1/2-2 cups semi sweet chocolate chips
1 1/2-2 cups shredded sweet coconut


Instructions:
Preheat oven to 350. Line a 9x9 inch pan with foil (so that you can lift it out later) and spray well with nonstick spray. Or just grease a ceramic 9x9 inch pan that you can cut them in later and serve from. Up to you.

Cream the butter, peanut butter and both sugars well in a mixer with a paddle attachment or in a large bowl with a hand mixer. When smooth and well mixed, add the egg, vanilla, milk, baking soda and salt and mix until combined, scraping down sides. Slowly add flour in 2-3 additions and blend until just mixed each time.

Carefully press the cookie dough (it will be thick, not pourable) into your greased pan and bake for 18-22 minutes just until golden on top and set.

Remove and spread the chocolate chips in an even layer over the top followed by the coconut.

Stir the sweetened condensed milk and drizzle it as evenly as possible over the top. If using an 8x8 inch pan you may not be able to fit it all so just be careful and don't over fill!

Put in the oven for another 5 minutes just until the coconut has lightly begun to toast but not brown (you don't want to burn the cookie layer.)

Remove and let cool completely before cutting and serving.

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Coffee Cake

I am a sucker for Halloween themed cookbooks. Most of these impulse purchases end in disappointment, the books full of gimmicks and fluff. All filler and no substance.

But over the summer I came across 'Ghoulish Goodies' by Sharon Bowers at Half Price Books and have been happily surprised recipe by recipe. These Chocolate Chip Pumpkin Bars, which I baked in an 8x8 inch ceramic dish to make them more cake-like, are honest to God delicious.

She sells them as being adult oriented with the whole wheat flour and spices. I sell them as one of the best coffee cakes I've ever had. Even my husband who is VERY annoyingly picky when it comes to baked goods has eaten them like they were running away from him.

So tis the season for pumpkin and things that go bump in the night and baked goods that help you get through a 3 am feeding followed by another at 4 am and 5:30 am. Did I mention my baby is a vampire?

One last thing. I added toasted walnut pieces which I think turned these up to 11. You know you're getting old when you're tempted to add nuts to about every baked good. I can remember being little and wishing like hell my mom had left them out!

Pumpkin Chocolate-Chip Bars (or Coffee Cake)

Ingredients:
1 1/2 cups all purpose flour
1/2 cup whole wheat flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon kosher salt
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon ground cloves (I was out so used more nutmeg)
1 cup (2 sticks) salted butter, at room temp
1 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1 egg, room temp
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 cup canned pumpkin puree (not pie filling)
1 (12 oz) package (2 cups) semi sweet chocolate chips
3/4 cup to 1 cup lightly toasted walnut pieces, if desired

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350. For bars, grease a 9x13 baking pan and set aside. For coffee cake, grease an 8x8 ceramic pan with nonstick spray and see my tip below.

Combine the all purpose flour, whole wheat flour, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg and cloves in a medium bowl.

Beat the butter, two sugars, egg, and vanilla in a large bowl with an electric mixer until smooth. Mix in the pumpkin puree until well combined, then add in the flour mixture in about 3 parts, beating each time until just combined. Use a wooden spoon to fold in the chocolate chips and walnuts then spread the batter which will be a bit on the thick and dry side evenly into the pan.

Bake for 35 minutes, until lightly golden and set.

Alisa's Tip:

For a cake like consistency instead of bars, Bake in a well greased 8x8 ceramic or glass pan at 350 for 20 minutes. Reduce heat to 325 and bake another 10-15 until the sides begin to turn dark but the middle is still quivery. Reduce heat to 300 and bake another 15 or until middle is set, entire 'cake' has risen and a cake tester comes out clean. 

Happy Halloween Cake

I made this cake for my sister Julie's birthday as she loves Halloween. It was supposed to be a rotting skull buried in dirt with pus oozing out of it. But decorating a cake and 7 week olds don't mix so I ended up over heating the icing which began to ooze instead of hold pustule shapes and before I knew it I had to call it a 'doo-rag' and make him a charred dirty pirate instead.

I used a chocolate cake recipe from Nigella that never fails me. I love it because it breaks every baking rule you've ever learned about keeping the dry and wet ingredients separate and painstakingly adding the wet slowly into the dry. You just dump everything into a food processor, give it a whirl and call it a day.

And it turns out EVERY time - moist and rich yet fluffy and light - and as a bonus it fit the skull pan perfectly. The pan can be found on sale right now at Williams Sonoma by the way and is worth every penny if you're a pan hoarder like myself. I sprayed it with nonstick spray and dusted it with cocoa powder before pouring the batter in and the cake released easy-peasy.

The cool thing is (yes I said cool thing in relation to cake baking - I'm five) is that you'll need to slice the inner halves of the skull after baking and cooling to make them flush and flat (so that when pressed together to make a skull it's not kattywompus.)

But this excess cake isn't wasted. You can crumple this bit of cake up with your fingers to make the 'dirt' for the skull to sit on. I had bought a packet of Oreos to grind up to use and found I didn't need to - I had delicious cake dirt!

The icing is where I took a major shortcut with Marshmallow Creme that actually suited my purposes just fine but I bet Pinterest or any other nerdy site could hook you up with an icing that is more profesh if desired.

Well my baby's up from his nap and ready to eat. Until next time - Happy Halloween y'all!

Halloween Skull Cake (Mint Chocolate Chip Cake)
Altered from a recipe by Recipe by Nigellas Lawson, Nigella's Quadruple Chocolate Loaf Cake

Cake:
1 2/3 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 cup cocoa, plus extra for dusting pan
1 1/3 cups sugar
1 1/2 sticks soft unsalted butter (I use SALTED)
2 eggs
1 tablespoon good-quality vanilla extract
1/3 cup sour cream
1/2 cup boiling water
1/2 teaspoon mint extract
1 cup Andes mint chocolate pieces or semisweet chocolate chips or morsels

Glaze for decorating/icing:
1 teaspoon cocoa
1/2 cup water
1/2 cup sugar
1 (7 oz) carton Jet Puffed Kraft Marshmallow Creme
Black food coloring, or other for coloring the pirate's 'doo rag'
Red food coloring, for blood
colored sprinkles for decorating doo rag
1 candy eyeball or a round peppermint candy for an eyeball
1 silver or gold dragee for center of the eye (use a dot of icing for the glue onto the candy eyeball)
An old steak knife, for stabbing through one of the eyes
Gummy worms, for planting in the 'dirt'

Special equipment: Halloween skull pan, found at Williams Sonoma


Directions
Take whatever you need out of the refrigerator so that all ingredients can come room temperature.

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F, putting in a baking sheet as you do so.

Spray both sides of the skull cake pan well with nonstick spray, then lightly but thoroughly dust with cocoa powder. Place the pan on a sturdy flat cookie sheet for stability.

Put the flour, baking soda, cocoa, sugar, butter, eggs, vanilla, and sour cream into the processor and blitz until a smooth, satiny brown batter. Scrape down with a rubber spatula and process again while pouring the boiling water down the funnel. Blend again, add in peppermint extract and give a final whirl. Switch it off, then remove the lid and the well-scraped double-bladed knife and, still using your rubber spatula, stir in the Andes chocolate pieces or chocolate chips or morsels.

Scrape and pour the batter into the prepared loaf tin and put into the oven for 25 minutes. Carefully rotate the pan to the other side then bake for another 10-15 minutes until the cake has risen all the way and 'puffed' but is no longer jiggly in the center. You want to be careful not to over bake this cake as all the detail in the sides can darken the edges and make them crispy if over baked. Using a cake tester or a strand of spaghetti is good insurance if you're iffy.

Remove the cake and let cool on a wire rack completely then carefully invert onto another greased wire rack. When you're sure the cake has cooled all the way, use a serrated bread knife to 'slice' off the undersides of the skull halves ,making them flat. Save these scraps to crumple into 'dirt' onto whatever plate or cake plate you're constructing the cake on making a nice bed for it.

Meanwhile put the syrup ingredients of cocoa, water and sugar into a small saucepan and boil for about 5 minutes, to give a thick syrup. Stir in the marshmallow creme and food coloring getting it to the color you like for the doo rag. Use about 1/4 of this mixture, a tablespoon at a time, to spread on the flat inner side of one of the skulls. This will be your glue to stick them together so don't use so much that it oozes out (though no big deal if it does) and add a little at a time.

Once the cake is together and the creme has set (should happen quickly, this stuff is like edible crazy glue) carefully set the skull into the center of the dirt.

Use the rest of the icing mixture to create either a doo rag or pus or whatever you like. If you let it cool a bit to where it's not so oozy, you can use a fork to drizzle 'brain matter' in little circles over the head. If the mixture gets too hard, gently heat it up over a low flame and stir again until it's smooth and oozy.

Finish decorating to your liking using a candy for an eyeball, more 'pus' in the other eye with a couple drops of red food coloring, and plant the worms in the dirt. Stab a steak knife in the empty pus filled eye socket if desired.

Introducing Sawyer Lee Wixom

The day before my due date (Labor Day) Kris and I lived it up. We went to brunch at La Condesa with our friends Molly and Paul and ended up hanging out and talking for four hours. That night we even thought of asking them to our new favorite restaurant - Bufalina - but decided to get take out from Thai Sway at the last minute instead.

We laughed about how both the beef dish and the fried rice were super spicy and would maybe 'do the trick.' But I didn't really believe it.

When we went to bed that night I didn't feel any different or have any expectations that the baby would actually arrive on his due date. They so rarely do particularly for first time moms. In fact here's a picture of me writing to the baby telling him I doubted I'd be meeting him the next day. (Oh hello thighs! Plotting to take over the world, are we?)

But at 3:30 in the morning I woke up with bad cramps. Quietly I crawled out of bed. Could it be? No way! I looked over at my sleeping husband and decided that rather than ring the alarm bell I should be more sure of what was actually happening.

I used the restroom and while doing so thought I felt my water break. But this is really tricky to verify when you're already peeing. Damn it! Why couldn't it be more like in the movies? Unsure of what to do, I went into our TV room, sat on the couch and looked out the window at the faintest whisper of a sliver moon. Suddenly the cramps intensified, this time deep into my lower back along with the sensation of peeing my pants. Only this time I couldn't have peed my pants because I'd just gone. Aha! This. Was. It.

I went back into the bedroom and quietly shook Kris awake.

"I think he's coming," I whispered.

Everyone who knows Kris has an image of him leaping out of bed upon hearing these words and flying out the door to get the car. But when I came back into the bedroom after putting in my contacts, this is what I found:

There was no leaping. There wasn't even a sign of consciousness. To top it off my dog had literally taken my place in bed. I'm not sure but I think this was Kris' way of quietly having a panic attack while simultaneously soaking up his last moments of pre-baby freedom.

So here's what I love. I had said for months I wanted to do all of my early labor at home. After touring the hospital I realized I'd rather be home in my comfy surroundings rather than in a strange sterile place especially when you can't get an epidural yet anyway.

But when I called the MedLink number to let them know my labor had started, the doctor on call had wanted me to go ahead and 'mosey on in.' Oh well. So much for best laid plans. Truth be told the pain was already getting to the point where a hospital seemed like the smarter place to be anyway, so I quickly showered, called my mom, and off we went.

It was kind of surreal because even though it was still pitch black outside there were already tons of cars and activity because of a big marathon being held later that morning.

We rolled up about 6:30 am. I quickly got checked in and settled into my bed. And it was then and there I realized how hilarious birthing plans are. In mine I had written very detailed notes about things I'd wanted access to. For example, a birthing ball like they'd shown us in our birthing class and a shower (I'd even brought my swim suit!) to be able to use hydra therapy during my contractions which the woman who taught our class had likened to getting a spa treatment.

Well let me tell you something. Once I got in that bed, the last place on earth I wanted to be was straddling a freaking birthing ball on the floor. Or in a bathing suit. The idea made me laugh so hard I worried I'd pee my pants again (not as if it mattered at this point, but still.)

By now the contractions were getting fairly intense and they decided to check me out down south. I fully expected to be dilated to at least 2 or 3. Nope. I was at freaking 1 where I'd already been for a whole week! You had got to be kidding me.

I tried to calm myself down. I'd always had a huge fear of giving birth and now I was sure this fear was going to be verified. This wasn't going to be easy. To make matters more complicated, the amazing doctor on call - Dr. Swenson - explained that scar tissue from an old surgery might delay my body from going into full labor mode and they might have to manually removal some of it in order to help me out.

Awesome. But all in all it wasn't so bad up to this point. My mom had arrived and was hanging on the couch next to me with Kris. When the contractions got bad, they would both help me through it - my mom rubbing my feet and Kris my lower back.

When it was apparent it was going to be a while before anything happened, Kris ran home quickly to take the dog to the boarding place next door. Coincidentally my mom had to run to the restroom so I was by myself for all of 30 seconds when I had the most intense contraction yet. This one was so bad that afterward I swore the baby's heart rate on the monitor sounded different.

Sure enough a gentle 'ding' alarm began to sound and I waited for the nurses to come flying in. No one did. Within 10 seconds I hit the button on my bed for help. My mom was back by now and asked what was going on. I was starting to panic as I explained what happened.

Just then my nurse, Chrysti, came in and checked the monitor. Apparently I'd had what the call an 'epic' contraction that lasted five minutes long! She surmised that the pain had literally taken my breath away and I'd temporarily forgotten to breath which upset the baby.

The upside to this was I got some drugs and some pitocen to speed things up down there. And let me tell you whatever they gave me sent me to the moon. I started seeing three of everybody, the music on my baby mix went all slow mo and psychedelic and every time I tried to talk it felt like someone was playing basketball with my tongue.

So out of embarrassment, I quietly let myself pass out. I don't remember anything for a while except that my belly monitor kept slipping because my stomach was already going down and they kept having to adjust it. Isn't that wild? You start getting skinnier before the baby even comes! Crazy.

Anyway the next time they checked me - I was at 4. Woo hoo! Epidural time!! This is what living in the 21th century is all about! You 'one with nature' types can take all that pain and eat it up sisters but not me. Personally I think opting in for that kind of experience is banay-nay but to each their own.

Anyway from there we basically hung out waiting for the seas to part. The psychedelics had worn off by now and I could hold a conversation again. My dad came in and visited for a while and next thing I knew we were in business. All the way to 10, y'all! Go time. And I felt like a million bucks to boot!

The only problem was the doctor had an emergency delivery with another patient and wasn't available yet. At this point they told me that I should just 'labor down' for a while. My mom, husband and I were all looking at each other like 'wth is Labor down?' Apparently you just lay down and let gravity take over until the doctor is ready for you and/or the baby says 'I'm not waiting any longer - I've already been in this damn place for nine months, thanks.'

So I got to nap again for another hour and a half. My mom and husband were so over it by this point I half expected to wake up and find them pulling the baby out. Thankfully the nurse came back to check me again and as soon as she did so whipped out her cell phone. "The baby's head is right there," she said. Trippy. And how very Grey's Anatomy.

Apparently this granted her permission to have me begin pushing and I got ready for full on battle. My husband put my hair back for me and turned up my music and my mom grabbed a leg.

I'll spare you the details but after the nurse explained what to do, we started pushing and weren't more than 15 seconds into it when she yelled 'stop!' Was I doing it wrong? Damn it - I knew I shouldn't have stopped exercising...

But oh quite the contrary. As it turned out, we were going too far too fast. She immediately dialed the doctor again. Don't you just love the modern world? The doctor was probably two doors down but faster to use a cell phone so there you go. "I can't hold her any longer," Chrysti said. "This baby is coming."

Twenty seconds later, the doctor came in along with a team of other people including the on-call pediatrician (I forgot to mention during all that hanging out - the baby had decided to poop which was not awesome because if he swallowed it this was bad news. I was assured that if he came out crying we were in the clear and wouldn't have to worry about it which was as reassuring as being told there might or might not have been rat poison in the salami sandwich you just finished.)

But there was little time to stress by this point so off we went. Four pushes later this little precious, white slime covered gremlin came out of my body and into my arms. He was crying. All was well. No poop in his lungs, thank God. So here's what nobody prepped me for. He really did look like a little creature from outer space. I remember thinking 'It's a given that I love him more than the earth itself but WOW...that's what he looks like?'

But then they cleaned him and low and behold he looked like a little sweet baby. Smushed face, but still precious. And here's what else they didn't prep me for. I had been so damn afraid of the hospital that my only thought was how quickly we could get out of there after. But truth be told I'm not sure if I've ever had more fun in my entire life than from that moment he came out to the 48 hours directly afterward. It was literally Christmas, New Year's and my favorite birthday rolled into one and times a thousand. Sounds ridiculous but it's true.

It was just happy happy joy joy infinity. Everyone came in to see him from our families who lived nearby as well as dear friends. I was exhausted but my happiness high kept me going. And here's the other thing. I literally had no idea your heart could be that full.

That first night when my husband was passed out and it was just me and little Sawyer on the bed together, I stared at him smiling like an idiot until my cheeks hurt. The second night was the same as well as the whole day in between. But the nights were my favorite. When it was just me and him and him and me against the world.

Do you remember your first bout of puppy love when you'd be on the phone with your boyfriend or girlfriend and you'd both be like 'you be the first to hang up' and the other would say 'no - you hang up first...'?

That's what it felt like staring at my sweet baby in those wee hours of the night. He looked at me and me back at him and I could have sworn this was similar to the telepathic conversation we were having. Only ours went like this:

Me: 'You close your eyes first.'

Sawyer: 'No YOU.'

On repeat. Every night. Okay I realize that in reality he could probably barely even see me and he was probably thinking 'when is this woman going to stop staring at me and give up her boob?' but still. That's what it felt like.

So it's still the most hilarious thing ever to me that the hospital experience was my favorite time ever.

Anyway, I am now in week two. It's exhausting. And elating. And at times terrifying.

But I've never been so grateful to have bags under my eyes.

Because my view is this:

And this:

And this:

Happy Living, Y'all!